Saturday, February 2, 2013

Beginnings and Endings, or 2012, in Memoriam

Conventionally, one posts this sort of post a little closer to January 1st. A month in the blogsphere is an eternity, and it's been closer to three since my last post. However, time is not a straight line, conventionality is nothing to aspire to, and therefore you should forgive the giant lapse between posts, and also the self-absorption of today's post. Rebeccaland is supposed to be some kind of outside manifestation of my insides, after all, and while usually the landscape of my insides draws a lot more from the outside, right now from my vantage point that landscape looks pretty barren, and my insides are all dark and red and squishy. I promise to send my insides for a long scenic walk before my next post. Anyway, I'm afraid if I don't post something soon my blogging aspirations will atrophy completely.

In retrospect it seems like 2012 was kind of a crap year for me, except for the bits that were awesome (there are always awesome bits). There was a pretty long stretch in the middle of the year that was relatively uneventful. However, what makes my 2012 memorable is that it began with a cancer scare, and ended with...look, I tried to think of some way to write this that didn't sound cliche, but the problem with love is that it's all cliche unless you're living it, so I'm just going to embrace the cliche. My year ended with a broken heart.

I found out last January that I had a thyroid mass that was constricting my airway and might have been cancer. I had surgery, then developed several very unpleasant complications.

But. I didn't have cancer. I was supported by many wonderful friends, family, and colleagues. I did eventually fully recover. Insurance covered more than I expected. The scar healed beautifully.

In September, I fell in love. I was happier than I've ever been. A life that looked bigger and better than I hoped and dreamed and prayed for seemed within reach. But on New Years Day, I was alone again, with a life that seemed so, so much smaller.

But. I loved, and was loved. God willing, it won't be the last time.

Last year, I learned that I am stronger than I think I am, and also much more fragile. I learned that often, the most comforting thing is just a silent hug (and sometimes it's a box full of sumo wrestler rubber duckies). I learned that losing love hurts worse than having your throat slit (and takes longer to heal), but given a choice, even in hindsight, I'd choose love.
"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." 
-The Doctor, "Vincent and the Doctor", Doctor Who 


Speaking of landscapes, here is Van Gogh's "Kornfeld mit Zypressen", courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. Its colors remind me of Arizona in the winter. Van Gogh knew more than I do about suffering--and about beauty.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

DigiWriMo Update, and not much else.

Life has a way of getting in the way of goals. I'm swamped. I'm not giving up on DigiWriMo yet, but I'm giving myself a break for not having posted anything since Saturday. I lost track of some of my digital writing since then, but of what I can track, I was at 4305 words from my last post until I started writing this one. And just for fun, here's a frequency count of the 10 most common words I typed or texted:

  1. me 29 (8%)
  2. just 19 (5%)
  3. think 19 (5%)
  4. data 19 (5%)
  5. good 18 (5%)
  6. how 18 (5%)
  7. Joe 18 (5%)
  8. too 17 (5%)
  9. don't 17 (5%)
  10. will 15 (4%)
It's a little disappointing to see that my number 1 word was "me."



Word Count

Running total: 8,246
Day 8 target: 13,336
 



Saturday, November 3, 2012

Writing on writing

This is going to be longish, folks--I've got some catching up to do on my word count. And since I'm having trouble thinking of what to write about, I'm going to do what any self-respecting scholar would do: I'm going to go meta, and write about writing.

The first human writing was primarily numbers, for record keeping. Wikipedia tells me that the first writing of language occurred in at least two times and places, independently: in ancient Sumer around 3200 BCE, and Mesoamerica around 600 BCE. The Sumerians, humanity's earliest known writers, wrote using a stylus on clay tablets, and their writing was initially used for bookkeeping.

The Egyptians, who may or may not have developed their hieroglyphic writing system due to the influence of the Sumerians, used writing not only for economic but also for religious and military purposes. Semitic workers developed an alphabet in Ancient Egypt around 1800 BCE. These "Proto-Semites" wrote graffiti and "votive texts" on Mount Sinai.

The Ancient Chinese wrote divinatory texts on bones and turtle shells. And the earliest known writers in the Americas, the Maya, likewise initially tended to employ writing for sacred purposes.

Eventually people started using writing not only for economic or devotional purposes, but also to record ideas and poetry. I sometimes wonder whether those early writers ever struggled to think of what to write.

Plato's Socrates (really the only Socrates we know, since he never wrote anything himself) was suspicious of writing. He argued (quite correctly, as it turned out) that writing would destroy memory and cause people to profess knowledge they did not actually possess. Memory and knowledge meant something rather different in oral cultures than they do now, of course. It is true that, if you can write something down, you don't have to commit it to memory--and that a memory recorded externally is qualitatively different from a memory etched in the mind. Our memories are not what they were.

The problem with writing, Socrates said, was that you can't ask it questions--or at least you can, but it can't explain itself; it can only repeat the same words again and again. And that is why it doesn't count as knowledge--to know something means to be able to explain and re-explain how you know it. Writing doesn't "know", it just "is," but it enables people who can read it to pretend to knowledge they haven't "earned"--they haven't worked it out for themselves, but just gotten it from a book. So, with writing, something was lost, but something was also gained.

I wonder how often Plato struggled to find words for his ideas. I wonder how often he struggled to find ideas for his words.

The problem of what to say (or write) and how is one of the two primary concerns of rhetoric (the other is analyzing what's been said and how). Classical rhetoric broke the problem down into five canons: invention, arrangement, style, memory, and delivery. Scholars continue to argue about which of the canons deserve the most attention, but since I've started this blog, invention has been on my mind.

For ancient rhetoricians, invention was all about the topoi--the topics, or places to find things. But they weren't really talking about things to write about or places where ideas could be found--such a catalogue, being potentially infinite, could never be completed, and Aristotle, the great systematizer of ancient rhetoric, did something much more clever. His topoi represent "basic categories of relationships among ideas". And the ways we can construct relationships among ideas turn out to be rather more manageable.

Anyway. Those who know me, know that I am rarely at a loss for something to say. But having something to write seems to be quite another matter. And having something to write about every day seems positively daunting. Aristotle reminds me that it isn't so much having something to write about, but about making connections.

Audience is another problem. Not only do I have to think about who might be reading this blog, but also who might read it in the future. Like everyone, I have multiple identities: sister, daughter, friend, colleague, scholar, teacher, student, Latter-day Saint, woman, Latter-day Saint woman (yes, those are three distinct, though never separate identities), Doctor Who fan, roommate, among others. Many of those identities overlap, but they are sometimes in tension with one another (scholar and Latter-day Saint, for instance, are often perceived by others as being in tension, if not generally by me--but that perception itself generates a tension). And new identities arise over time.

When I write this blog, which "me" am I? And which of "you" am I writing to? Perhaps, in writing this, I am calling forth new identities for myself and my audience. All of these identities and the tensions between them are, of course, sites of rhetorical invention--they represent potential relationships among ideas, as well as actual relationships between people.

The stakes are not trivial. It may be that I will never have more than a handful of readers. Perhaps only family and friends, but potentially also future employers, colleagues, federal agents, and the odd web-crawling AI. I hope, at any rate, that my readers will be friendly, or at the very least, kindly disposed toward the "me" that is embodied in the words that I write.

The full title of this blog, generously supplied by my good friend Nancy, is "Rebeccaland: where everything is just like it is in my head." That title was a bit too long for Blogger to display properly, so I shortened it, but in shortening it, something was lost. Indeed, I've been meditating on this very interesting title for the last few days. Nancy loves layers of meaning--I mean, loves them even more than I do, and that's saying a lot. She's a Joyce scholar.

The title is both the product of invention, and a new site of invention. It is the product of the particular relationship among the ideas that I have of Nancy and she has of me and each of us have of what blogging is or can be--among other things. It also represents the potential range of topics this blog might contain, and suggests a certain attitude toward them (an attitude which is tied to that complex of interpersonal perceptions I just talked about).

Basically, I think that this blog isn't so much going to be like the inside of my head (which is really full of a great many things that ought best to stay inside my head; they won't stand for being shoved onto the front stage of a blog), as it is like what Nancy thinks the inside of my head is like--a bit like Disneyland, only without the commercialism, and with more books. So, like a cross between Disneyland and a library. Or, to put it another way, it will be full of random happy geeky things with a generous side of pondersomeness (and the odd neologism sprinkled in here and there).



Word Count

Friday: 221
Saturday: 1893
Running total: 3815
Day 3 target: 5001

Thursday, November 1, 2012

It's a blog. I'm a blogger now. Blogging is cool.

My friend Nancy does NaNoWriMo every year. She's awesome, and someday she'll publish a bestseller and I'll get to mooch off her millions. Anyway, this year I found out about DigiWriMo, and I thought, what the heck? 50,000 digital words in a month! Well, now that the challenge is upon me, I realize that that's 1,667 words per day. For any of my students reading this, that basically means I have to write the equivalent of a 7-page paper Every. Single. Day. 12,500 words per week: that's basically the equivalent of a frigging THESIS, every week. So yeah.

I don't know how many of the official DigiWriMo challenges I'll take part in, but I definitely need to set some ground rules for myself. Anything that is written and published digitally counts, so long as it is intended for an audience beyond myself. That means seminar notes, which I record on my tablet, don't count unless somebody asks me to share them. But text messages, emails, tweets, Facebook status updates, homework submitted electronically, the fairy story I've been meaning to finish writing and email to my niece, and messages I post to my students on Schoology, all count. Plus, of course, this blog, which is where I plan to be getting most of my word count. Which is why this blog, like the TARDIS, can go anywhere in all of time and space. Anywhere I like. 50,000 words is a lot, guys.

Now, not all of that digital writing will be publicly available, of course, but I'll keep a running count on my daily blog posts. So far, I'm at 875 words. That's just over halfway to my daily goal.

Update: total word count of the day=1701

Writing Leftovers

Usually when I’m revising, there’s a stage at which I realize I have to cut some stuff, either because it’s kind of tangential to the focus ...