Tied in Other Knots

It seems likely that what I say in this post will offend some friends and readers on either side of this issue. For many of you, the question of whether marriage should include same-sex couples is a no-brainer, and you met Friday's Supreme Court decision with either unmitigated joy or disappointment. Yet I have thought long and hard about it, and I still do not fully know what I feel or ought to think. Perhaps, lacking such moral certainty, it would be wiser for me to remain silent. Yet not to speak, in this moment of profound social change, feels too much like cowardice.

Defenders of man-woman marriage call it "traditional." Advocates of gay marriage talk endlessly of being on the "right side of history." Both the appeal to tradition and the appeal to progress hold no sway for me; they are equally fallacious. For me, this is a matter of relationships: with my God, my family, and my friends. Though I'm fully aware that I cannot always have it all ways, my purpose in writing this is to help those of you who profess certainty to understand the tension that I feel, and that I believe many others share, between our love and respect for our LGBT friends on the one hand, and our deeply held religious and political beliefs on the other. I'm a Mormon through and through, and the focus of my comments reflects that, but I'm not trying to persuade non-Mormons of anything, nor am I inviting argument. I'm just personally working through some stuff and trying to be understood in the meantime. And if you're not interested in understanding me, I get it. I will be sad, but not offended if you stop reading or even walk away from me.

I profess faith in a church which affirms that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and which espouses as a central doctrine that the creation of eternal families is one of the primary purposes of mortal life. I find both beauty and power in the doctrine of the complementarity of the sexes which heterosexual marriage ideally embodies, yet I freely admit being puzzled as to the nature of pre-mortal gender. My study of history and literature across many centuries demonstrates quite plainly that what we sometimes assume to be essential gender characteristics are actually socially constructed, and quite malleable. Even though I believe there are essentially feminine and masculine characteristics, I confess I do not know precisely what they are.

I have felt for some time that these doctrines must be exceedingly painful for those whose sexuality precludes the possibility of fulfilling cisnormative, heterosexual marriage, yet who deeply desire to the bonds of family which we Mormons boldly proclaim to be the crowning glory of mortal life. That it is undoubtedly painful does not preclude the possibility of its being true, of course. Many truths are painful. Regardless, I have seen sufficient evidence to persuade me that most people do not choose which gender they identify as or are sexually attracted to, and cannot change their gender identity or sexual orientation. This, too, creates a theological puzzle for me, yet a lifetime of experience has instilled in me a trust in my God, and in His prophets and scriptures, which despite my incomplete knowledge, I cannot deny. In any case, I certainly don't expect those who don't share my faith to live according to its doctrine.

Despite a great deal of study, I have not found compelling empirical reasons why a government which provides civil marriage at all, has the right to limit it according to the religious beliefs of some of its members. More specifically, I believe that civil marriage, if it exists at all, must of necessity be defined by the will of society. I have heard arguments that marriage must be defined as between a man and a woman because societies have a vested interest in nurturing the rising generation and children are better off being raised by a mom and a dad. But even if we admit there are social and developmental benefits to sexual complementarity in parenting, I believe that same-sex couples can raise happy, well-adjusted, ethical children, just as single, divorced, and widowed parents can. The stable commitment that marriage fosters can only enhance that ability, and I believe that the Supreme Court ruling will have a positive effect on families with LGBT parents.

I honestly do not know whether the Supreme Court's declaration of a constitutional right to marry is correct. I'm not sure I believe in a civil right to marry at all, and even though I do believe that governments which extend the privilege of marriage ought to do so equitably, I believe the balance of power set up in our federal government would have been safer had the issue been settled through the legislative process rather than the judicial. But that takes time, and many people I care about were tired of waiting. I can't help but feel glad for them that their wait is over.

Many on the religious right have expressed fears that the free exercise of religion will be restricted as a result of this ruling. I wish I could believe that these fears are unjustified, but the possibility is real. Nevertheless I choose to believe that we can and will enact and uphold laws and policies which do justice both to the legality of same-sex marriage and to the free exercise of religion. The right of churches to define the sacrament of marriage according to their own doctrines must remain inviolable. Nor should religious people or institutions be compelled to participate in civil marriages against their consciences, so long as their abstention does not prevent others from marrying civilly.

Just as religious liberties must be respected, so must human dignity. Jesus declared that the second great commandment is to "love thy neighbor as thyself." He made no exceptions based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. The legalization of gay marriage does not one whit diminish our duty to care for the poor, the sick, the outcast and the marginalized. Furthermore, regardless of religious affiliation (or non-affiliation) or marital status, all of us do have a vested interest in protecting, nurturing, and strengthening families so that new generations can grow up healthy and wise. On these issues, we ought all to be allies.

Image source: Flickr user Wheelz24 . CC BY-NC-SA 2.0. 

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